She was so nervous. Her hands sweating, and her mind racing over and over again as to what she should say. This was one of the hardest things she had to do. She took the plunge and said it.
Telling someone how you feel is one of the hardest things that people do. I don't think it's about facing the rejection that may come along your way, which it may. I think it's more along the lines of the fact that you've been so vulnerable with someone. To tell them how your heart works. In a sense, that's what you're offering them and you're scared that instead of helping you protect it, or even giving it back to you, they'll destroy it.
This is why communication is so hard. Telling someone how you feel is seen as being vulnerable. But it's not. We live in a world where we are scared of being open with other people because we're scared that they'll use it against us. But telling someone how we feel only makes us stronger. It means that we're not scared. That we're not afraid. That we're confident that we can handle what's coming for us.
Think about it from the other person's point of view. Wouldn't you be happy if someone told you that they loved you? Wouldn't it make life easier if you knew what the other person was thinking, what they were feeling, what they wanted?
She was so scared because of her past, that she didn't want it to affect her future. She didn't want to tell him because she didn't want to give him a part of her heart. It wasn't whole. Her heart had been broken and stitched up many times. She was scared that it'd be broken and stitched up again. But only when she looked inside of her did she see that her heart was stronger than before. That these stitches were the reason she could offer a part of it to him. What had hurt her in the past, wasn't going to hurt her in the future.
"You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world, but you do have some say in who hurts you."
And she didn't mind getting hurt by him, because she knew she could handle it.
As long as she could remember, she never felt like she was good enough. She never felt she was worth it. She never felt that she belonged.
It was countless years of disapproval from her parents that she turned out the way she was. Unhappy with all around her and thinking that she wasn't good enough for anyone out there. If she wasn't good enough for her own family, what made her think that she was good enough for anyone else? She started to look in the mirror and hated what she saw. Not only did she attack the way she looked; her skin broke out, her hair was falling and she thought that her thighs were too big, she started attacking her personality as well; she was too stubborn, she was rude and she was disrespectful.
When she left home, she entered a world that she didn't know existed. A world where people thought otherwise. People who thought she was beautiful. Beautiful on the inside. Who, when she pointed our her flaws, said that she was crazy and pointed out their own. It took her a long time to come to terms with this. She thought people were lying to her by saying she looked good. How could anyone think that if she herself didn't? Soon, she just listened and took it in and replied with a polite "thank you".
These were the people that she was the most comfortable with. The people that made her realise that who she was as a person was enough. That yes, people make mistakes, but they aren't put down for it. They were her stepping stones to something better. They started making her feel comfortable in her own skin.
Soon, she started waking up without that stomach turning feeling. Realising that she wasn't ugly or a disappointment. Realising that she was beautiful the way she was.
The stretch marks on her body, the pain in her eyes, the love handles that she hated. They were a part of her. A part of her story. A story that showed all her triumphs and disappointments. And for the first time in a long time, she fell in love.
We, as people tend to live life looking at the past and worrying that it will affect the future. We worry that we are too dependent on someone else and that their happiness is the only way we will be happy.
We worry.
I happen to be one of those people. I was always worried that my past will determine what my future will hold. I was always worried that making other people happy will result in my happiness, but that isn't the case. I can't live life for someone else. I can't live life in the past.
I'm taking small steps to make sure that I am happy with me. That my happiness isn't dependent on someone else. That my past doesn't determine my future. This doesn't mean that if someone is happy, I'm not. It doesn't mean that I won't try to make someone smile. I do that. Or at least I try to do that. All I'm saying is that if someone is upset at you or angry at you, don't let it bring you down. Don't let it dampen your mood.
You control your emotions. You control your reaction. You control your life.
Live in the moment. Live in the now. Don't dwell on the past and don't look towards the future. Don't look for someone else to be happy. Look within. When you're happy with yourself, the universe makes sure that everything falls into place. Not only are you happy, but everyone around you is happy as well.
All saints have a past, all sinners have a future. The only thing holding us back is our Army of Shadows.
